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| This is definitely me, as a zombie. |
Things that have changed since the last time I posted (in no particular order):
- I started talking to, and stopped talking to, my abusive ex
- Eddie is fucking history. He did some annoying stuff, and now that he graduated, we hardly ever talk anymore. Whatever, dude
- I started therapy, because a situation cropped up at work that made me realize I hadn’t been properly handling my anxiety, and I had been living my day-to-day life at about a 7 or 8 on the 1-10 scale. The work situation put it at a solid 10, and that was the signal that I couldn’t do this myself. At least, for the time being
- I started medication. Zoloft, to be precise. I also have Lorazapam for when/if I have a panic attack, but I actually haven’t had to use it (I did at the beginning, because my psychiatrist had me take both at once)
- I got on a plane! All by myself! I wrangled it so that I had a 4-hour layover in Dallas, so I had brunch with the Bird, then I went to Seattle and spent the weekend with V! It was so fun, and now I want to do all the traveling. Hopefully I will either be going to AWP Los Angeles or Emerald City Comic Con with both of them next year ^_^
- I became Infant/Toddler Teacher certified! Now I can be left alone with children, and the person who covers my co-teacher’s break can be uncertified
- I got moved from one Infant room to another, and I jibe with this teacher really well
- I decided to have really short hair, and almost immediately wished I hadn’t made that decision. Yet I keep being tempted to go really short. Or else go ridiculously long and get dreads. Since I can’t make up my fucking mind, I’m just growing it out
- I’ve done a really, truly horrible job of both reading and writing, but I finished a book this weekend! It made me feel really good about myself, and I think it was the motivation I needed to get me back into reading. Now I just need to figure out a way to get my writing mojo going again, and we’ll be good
- I’ve decided to be open about my abusive ex and my assault. My logic is that it will help to take away the power they have over me, because neither one of them wants to be painted in a bad light
- My parents decided to renovate our house, kind of. We got central air, and we got a fuckload of our trees cut down. Soon, the kitchen is going to be under construction, and then the bathroom
- I started paying back my student loans, and it makes me very sad. I’m handling it, but it’s still like...ew
- I decided to get laser hair removal. On my lady cave. I’m just sick of having to shave and deal with my super-sensitive skin. So far, so good :)
- I have friends! Rather than be a reclusive fairy-tale witch in a cottage in the woods, I’m letting people get to know me. Of course, I’m still the same bitchy, sarcastic, dark woman I’ve always been, but now more people are privy to that
- I’m going to be a godmother! My soon-to-be-goddaughter is awesome, and she falls under the same category as the girls in my “These Kids Make Me Afraid To Have Kids” post. She’s so great and smart and funny, and I love her so much. I’m afraid that someone who has my DNA won’t measure up to the awesomeness I get to take care of every day at work <3
- I got my eyes examined, because my dad was worried about my clumsiness. Turns out I don’t need glasses, but the membrane or something in my eyes is thin on the edges, so I have to go back every year to make sure there are no tears. The doctor assured me that it’s easy to treat if there are tears, but it sounds ominous anyway
- One of my co-workers from the movie theater, M, works with me again! She covers breaks in the Infant wing and a few other breaks here and there, and it’s cool to be able to spend time with her on a regular basis again
- I went to New York! To a convention! All by myself! I took the Peter Pan bus really early in the morning, and came back really late at night. It was a book convention, to boot. I bought a bunch of books, some of them signed. I wore my Marauder’s Map dress, and about 3 other women were wearing the same dress haha. But one woman was dressed as full-on Princess Belle, and I loved it! This trip only cemented my newfound love of travel. It’s so cool to get somewhere you’ve never been under your own steam
I saved the best for last. I have a boyfriend! I haven’t come up with a suitable blog-nickname for him yet, though. Suggestions welcome. I met him on OKCupid, which I only signed up for because I was annoyed that someone blatantly hit on me and then claimed not to be interested. From the outset, he seemed super promising. He’s a year older than me, he has wicked long, dark hair, he’s skinny, and - get this - he’s in a band. A metal band. And he’s the fucking drummer. I loooooove drummers. He’s also super nerdy and smart, and I was nervous as fuck when we first went out. The date went really well though.
So! Super cute story. I texted him to tell him I was on my way from work to the restaurant (which I picked - hibachi, because why not?). I was leaving a little later than I should have, and I didn’t want him to think I’d bailed on him. He texted back asking for the address of the place, because his phone was about to die and he wanted to get as close as he could before it totally died. I was like, fuck, he’s not going to show up, and he’ll use the dead phone as an excuse. But he did show up! Turns out, he stopped at a Wal-Mart and bought a portable charger thingy so that he could get to the restaurant. Swoon.
So we eat dinner and shit, and we’re talking long after we’re done with our food, and we finally go to leave, because it’s like 9:30 and I have work at 7 the next morning (so according to my self-set schedule, I should have already been in bed). We talked outside my car for a bit, and then he asked if he could see me again. I said YES! And he told me what he could remember of his work schedule (he’s a Supervisor at a Panera, so his schedule isn’t at all “normal,” like mine), and I asked if it would be creepy if I visited him at work the next night. He said no, so we decided I’d come in around 8/8:30, so the dinner rush would be over. I got all excited and told him so, and said I liked his hair and his bandiness and that I didn’t have to explain metal to him. He said he was excited that I was a girl who liked metal. And then we went home.
Now I’m all moony and happy and shit at work the next day. I mean, seriously. I’ve been saying, at least to Amanda, for a while now that I needed to find a metal boy. I needed someone who already knew what kind of magic metal was, and who believed in it the way I did. Also, I clearly like drummers, since I was with one for three years, and it fits with my general life goal of doing stuff but not being the center of attention. And the long hair, Jesus fuck. So attractive. He has a beard, too, a nice short one, which I usually wouldn’t really like, but it is so fucking hot on him. Also, he’s a lefty, which of course I am, too. So I sat in “his” seat at the hibachi table. :P I tell one of my bosses, and my parade gets rained on. She says to assume he’s seeing other girls from OKCupid, and that I should be seeing other guys. She says she wishes I wasn’t going to see him at work so soon, because it looked too available. She says it’s a bad sign that he didn’t try to hug me or kiss me or even hold my hand. She says don’t expect him to want anything exclusive, and she can’t believe I ate in front of him on our first date, and that I told him I liked his hair and his bandiness and his metalness. Hearing the sentence, “You have to assume he’s going out with other girls,” is the most depressing sentence I’ve heard in a long time. It really only solidified what I wanted from him. I wanted to be his girlfriend. I didn’t want any other girls going on dates with him, and being the focus of his smiles and his jokes. Which sounds a bit creepy, but hopefully you all know what I mean by that.
He texts me as I’m about to leave asking if I’m still planning on coming. Of course, I am, so, nerves shot, I go to Panera after dinner that night. I get my yummy frozen lemonade and tell him I’m there. I sit at a table that’s kind of behind one of the numerous walls Panera has. I can hear him talking, and wonder how long it’ll take for him to text me and ask where I am. Then he comes around the corner, and I stand up and give him a hug. He hugs back, and sits down to talk to me for a bit. We end up holding hands, and when he has to go back to work he tells me I can stay and wait for him to be done closing. I kiss him, and he kisses me back, then goes to do his closing stuff. At this point, I’m beginning to think all the advice I got earlier that day was total shit.
After he’s done closing, we go chill in his car, because he’s going to drive me to my car later. We make out and talk and play music for each other on his phone, and at the end of one make-out session, he kiss-drunkenly tells me, “I like you.” I tell him I like him, too, and keep kissing him. I had explained to him earlier that night what my claddagh ring meant (one way means you’re single, one way means you’re taken, just for anyone who didn’t know). As we’re holding hands and listening to music, he takes my ring off, and my heart and brain start going fucking crazy. Like REALLYREALLYREALLYREALLY. AND HE FUCKING TURNS MY RING AROUND AND PUTS IT BACK ON MY FINGER.
I say, “Yeah?”
He says, “Yeah.”
I say, “Say it.”
“Will you be my girlfriend?”
"Yes."
I said I would delete my OKCupid when I got home, and he says normally he wouldn’t, but “this feels right.” And he proceeds to tell me several more times that “this feels good.” I didn’t get home until 1:30 in the morning. >_< But I was so fucking happy.
Turns out, he had called his mom Tuesday night, after our date, and told her about me. I had told my mom about him, too, as soon as I got home.
That work-visit was June 10th (our relationship technically started June 11th), and the last two weeks have been freaking great. I don’t get to see him that much, because of work, but that might end up being a good thing, because I tend to dive head first into things and I might have ended up making us sick of each other if I was able to get to him easily. But it’s usually quiet enough for me to visit him at work after dinner if I have time, and he lives in a house with his bandmates, so there’s that.
There’s also the maybe TMI statement of holy fuck. Sex. With him. My God. I want to find my high school boyfriend (the other drummer) and ask him why he couldn’t move his body like this. Not only is he super nice about my anxieties and body insecurities, he knows what the fuck he’s doing. I was afraid of how it would be the next time I had sex, since it had been so long, and since my assault happened, too, but it was fucking great. I told him the whole deal with both of those things, and he was super understanding and let me tell him what I did and didn’t want to do.
And now I should really go to bed, but fucking hoo-rah, I’m getting my life back on track in a fucking huge way.
