Halloween costume!

These are the costume pieces I have so far.  I look hawt.

    Ok, so I had kind of decided on my Halloween costume by accident, and I just went on Party City’s website to see if they had stuff to help me finish it, and now I’m jacked!
    It started with me just innocently...wasting money on a white, blood splatter skater dress from Hot Topic.  I mean, it was $12.  After I bought it, I started thinking that since it’s not something one wears every day, I should probably work my Halloween costume around it.  Then I remembered that I have a pair of elbow-length white, blood splatter gloves.  So I’m going to be a vampire of some sort.  I decided to stay with the red/white aesthetic, and I have these cute red heels I can wear, and a white petticoat if I so choose.
    On to Party City!  S (my co-teacher) had mentioned before that she was Vampire Bella for Halloween before, and had gotten fangs there.  So I’m poking around, and they have a shit ton of fangs, including some that come with bloody tips.  And they have fake blood.  They also have two kinds of bloody tights, blood splatter and...violent stabbing?  I’m gonna see if the store has them, to compare them in person.

Bloody tights #1

Bloody tights #2

 Of course, they have plain white tights, too.  Oh, and I guess they have bloody stitches tights.

Bloody tights...#3?

 They also have a white cape and a red cape, and a bloody tiara...so I’m going to be a vampire bride/prom...queen?

Love it.

    In other news, the ex has a girlfriend now.  He met her on Ok Cupid, which I had encouraged him to go on.  I’m happy for him, and I hope it works out.  It was really sweet, he deleted his profile pretty soon after meeting her in person, and he officially asked her to be his girlfriend the other night.
    I..think?  the guy I’ve been seeing is doing the same thing?  He hasn’t deleted his profile, but he hasn’t been on since we started hanging out.  I asked him earlier this week if he was talking to other girls, and he said no.  Then I asked him if he wanted to, and he said no.  I was afraid to push any further, because it’s a slippery slope in the clingy department.  The ex thinks he’s going to ask me to be his girlfriend soon, and I hope he’s right.  I don’t like this in-between, unclear thing, where it’s still totally within either of our rights to do stuff with other people.  I am not ok with doing stuff with other people.  I don’t like not knowing 100% where we stand.  I like being a girlfriend, and the special stuff it entails.
    He and I went on a ghost tour in Boston last night, which was fun.  I love that kind of shit, and he was amused because it had a historical angle.  I feel like I’m in a good position, maybe?  because he was like, putting his arm around me and touching my hip and stuff in public.  And he kissed me on the subway platform (because we’re teenagers in a pop-punk song, I guess), and he had his arm around me on the T the whole way back.  That’s all good stuff, right?
    He also pays for my food and stuff when we hang out.  Which is really nice, but at the same time my anxiety kicks in, and I feel guilty.  I’m still a little afraid he’ll decide that I’m only in it for free food, or that I’m not worth the money he’s spending on me.  It’s nice being spoiled, but I’m terrified that it’ll be thrown in my face.  And the longer it is that we’re floating in the relationship abyss, the more it seems like that’s what’s going to happen.  I know it hasn’t been long, at all, and I know I need to chill out, but it’s not in my nature to chill out.
    I did tell him that we definitely have to find something to do on Halloween, so that we’re not just sitting at home all dressed up, and he seemed down, so there’s that.

Anxiety Time

I definitely took home the tiny Corona bottle and the yellow holder thingy.

    I am officially at the point where my feelings are super easily hurt.  Part of it is just a right now thing, because I can’t stop myself from going on The Drummer’s profile every so often, and it’s ridiculous, but it kind of hurts that he’s still alive.  I mean, my memory of him would be better if he just...wasn’t around.  In any capacity.  I’m kind of disgusted that he’s so easily reachable, geographically.  I’m disgusted with him for treating me the way he did, and I’m disgusted with myself for trusting him.
    The guy who wanted to be into me but just wasn’t is back on Ok Cupid, too.  I only noticed because he changed his profile picture.  I don’t know why my feelings are hurt, because I don’t want to be with either of them.
    Or, I don’t know, maybe I do.  I kind of see them being back on there/not being into me as confirmation that I’m not good enough in some way.  If I’m being honest, I see it as confirmation that I’m not good enough in more than one way.  My mom is fond of saying (when I’m sad about things like this) that everyone only has one successful romantic relationship, but after so many terribly failed attempts, I feel like it’s got to be me.  There’s got to be something fundamentally wrong with me, and I’ve got a pretty long list of what that thing could be, but I don’t have it narrowed down to one.  That means I can’t focus on it and change it, but I’m also afraid that everything I come up with is a “wrong” thing, and that’s a lot of stuff to fix.
    I’ve hung out with that guy two more times in the last week, and we’re hanging out again on Thursday.  When he walks me to my car, I wonder how long it’ll be before my memory of his walkway makes me cry instead of smile.  How long before I’ll get painful tiny flashbacks of how happy he looks to see me, when he no longer wants anything to do with me?  How long before he realizes that my weird, squishy new “skinny” body isn’t attractive at all?  Basically, how long before I unwittingly fuck this up?
    I’m trying really hard not to like him, and I’m failing miserably.  He’s told me a few times that I can stay over if I want, and I say no.  It’s complicated.  My OCD/introvert self doesn’t want to have to do my morning routine in a weird place.  The little girl in me is afraid my mother will try to tell me I can’t sleep at a boy’s house.  The scared me doesn’t want to stay over until we’re in a relationship.  The scared me wants to be in a relationship with him, and the more I drop hints and he doesn’t get them, the more scared I get.  The more he talks about how he thinks he wants to move back home eventually (which I totally get, because I would want to do the same thing), the more my heart breaks a little, because I don’t want him to leave.  In trying not to like him, I ended up super liking him.  I would stay over if I had a promise that I wasn’t just some girl he was sleeping with because she kept coming over.
    I feel so bad when we get food and he pays for me.  I’ve had it drilled into me since I was 19 that I’m not worth someone’s money, and it’s weird and humiliating and makes me wonder what the catch is when someone doesn’t mind paying for my food.  It makes me want to cry, because my gut reaction is that he’s wasting his money.  Or that he’s going to start seeing me as the girl who’s only along for the ride because there’s free food.  I did cry when Eddie and I went out after I graduated and he paid for me.  I did it while he was in the bathroom, and I was able to contain it, but I feel so guilty when people pay for my food.
    I’m too scared to ask him if he’s talking to any other girls, because I don’t want to know if the answer is yes, and I’m not at all confident that the answer will be no.  I know I’m not good enough to occupy someone’s full attention, and it bums me out.
    In more uplifting news, my friend who’s moving to Spain had a little get-together thingy at the new Dave and Buster’s in our town on Saturday.  I picked up my fellow redheaded co-worker, and we both had a ton of fun!  We got our drink on, which was cool, since usually I can taste the alcohol in “fun” drinks, and it totally ruins it for me.  We both got a watermelon margarita, then she got an iced tea thing and I got an awesome drink called a Candy Shop, and then she got a blueberry lemonade (which she let me finish), and I got this thing called a Coronarita, which is a margarita with a tiny Corona upside down in it.  That guy told me about them (I’ll figure out a nickname for him soon, I promise), and when I saw a picture of it in the drink menu I was like YES.
    I’d (obviously) never been to Dave and Buster’s before, and I can’t wait to go again.  I love things like amusement parks, where you can feel like a kid even if you’re an adult, and this was like that, too.  I’m glad it’s so close to my house, but it could also end up being really bad for my wallet.

Stuff and Things

Hello Kitty is awesome.  That is all.

    So I’ll start with some stupid news.  Apparently, it is possible for people to want to be into me, but sadly be unable to actually be into me.  Fun times.
    In other news, I’ve been having a tough time lately.  It’s been getting better, but I was quite literally having trouble getting out of bed in the morning, and I wasn’t doing much besides going to work and eating.  I’m not sure why this was happening, but I was talking to my co-teacher, S, about it today.  I was telling her that I felt better, and I felt bad because I felt like I made her worry.  I was right, and she’s very relieved that I feel better.  She was worried it was my medication, and I was wondering if the dosage was now off because I’ve lost so much weight.  Now we’re wondering if it’s my hormones being all wonky from going off my old birth control and getting an IUD.
    Speaking of, ouch.  It hurt going in, and it hurt after.  I mean, I didn’t cry or anything, but I kind of yelled, “Ouch!” a few times while they were fiddling down there, and I definitely sort of protectively covered my stomach (which obviously did nothing, since they were inside me, not on top of me).  I ended up taking a nap when I got home, and had my little cramp-easing catnip pouch thing with me, and I ended up going to bed early that night.
    Holy hell, cramps are a terrible thing.  I mean, I thought my period was still bad sometimes with the birth control, but I was wrong.  Again, it was nothing I couldn’t handle, but it was for sure something I could have done without.  It was super pleasant to suddenly feel pain like my uterus was expanding but feel an actual sensation like it was contracting.  It was also nice to feel three little spots in my abdomen bloom with pain periodically.  I don’t know how women go without birth control.
    Back to being sad.  I was feeling like I wasn’t good at work, or being a friend, or writing, or reading, or being an adult, or being attractive, and it was all getting to me.  I hung out with Eddie about a week ago, and we went drinking with his girlfriend.  I was totally ok to drive myself home, but I had fun while we were out.  I don’t know if this incident started me on my upward arc, but I think I did start feeling longer-term better that night.
    So Friday night, I’m chilling and creeping around on Ok Cupid, like ya do.  I’m doing the Quickmatch thing, which from what I understand is what the whole point of Tinder is (swipe left for yuck, swipe right for yum), and when you do Quickmatch on the computer instead of on the app, it shows you a tiny little queue of upcoming matches.  I suddenly see what looks like a tiny version of a profile picture I am familiar with.  I swipe until it comes up, and I was right.  The Drummer has a new profile on Ok Cupid.  He has a new username, which means he really did delete his old profile, which is nice, I guess.  However, his new profile is all lofty and philosophical, and I’m not trying to say The Drummer is crass and stupid or anything like that, but this isn’t the person I dated.  This person sounds like a pretentious douchebag, and the guy who broke my 2 ½ year dry spell was a real, very down-to-earth man.  I had deleted all his pictures from my phone and computer, unfriended his roommate, and when I discovered I had forgotten to unlike his band’s Facebook page, I did that, too.  I was all good and I was moving on, even if people want to me into me but just aren’t.  Then, his picture pops up.  It hurt.  It made me sad, and it peeled the scab on the love I had for him.  I’ve told so many people that I wish I had never met him, and I honestly do.  I know that the butterfly effect is a thing, and who knows what else would be different, but I don’t want someone to have the power to hurt me.  I don’t want these nice memories marred by this choking feeling in my throat, or this nauseous feeling in my stomach.  I want nice memories to stay nice memories, and I think I’ve put up with enough shit from other people to have earned that much.
    Anyway, when I woke up on Saturday, I was still kind of bull shit, so I definitely perused Ok Cupid a bit more aggressively than I may have in the past, and I found myself with a date for Monday night, and another date for some undetermined time this week or this weekend.
    The date last night went well.  He’s 32, lives like 15 minutes away from me, is from Ohio (which is a little freaky, because so is The Drummer), and is a lefty like me (so is The Drummer).  He’s a programmer, he likes anime, and he’s been to Burning Man three times.  We’re hanging out Thursday night so I can finally watch The Princess Bride.  But I still want to see what happens with the other guy.  I mean, I’m not putting too much trust in this guy’s interest in me, since it always happens that guys are super into me at the beginning, and suddenly they’re totally not.  So it’s only a matter of time before neither of these guys are talking to me, is basically what I’m saying.
    In more exciting news, my co-teacher, S, got engaged!  Her fiancé did it on the Jumbotron at a Red Sox game a few weeks back, and he had organized the whole thing himself.  Pretty cool, and sweet.  They’re getting married next fall, funnily enough on the exact day (and I think the exact time) that my ex-co-worker who I hate is getting married.  Poetic justice at its most poetic.
    I also made a conscious effort to get back into the swing of writing-type things this weekend.  I haven’t done any new work, but I finally edited the stuff I got from Amanda and Eddie for Packet 1, and I did send stuff out for Packet 2.  Perhaps tomorrow I’ll go through the edits Eddie made to my short story, and of course I’m a lazy butt and still have to go through the edits Von made to the same story. >_< But then I’m going to see if anyone else wants to read it, and after they’ve all put their two cents in, I’m going to start sending it out.
    That was a really weird sentence to type.  But I’ve gotta start doing it, and I’m proud of this story.