Being without you is hard. I feel empty, and also heavy. I feel like my inner scaffolding is gone and I never knew what dense material I was made of and now it is threatening to crash in on itself. It is hard to breathe, and hard to get through the day without telling at least three people that I am sad. I am just so sad.
My parents were talking about older relatives at the dinner table tonight. I remembered a story you told me about “your old man” when he was little. I liked hearing about your parents and your siblings. I assumed that one day I would meet all of them, and that one day they would be my family, too.
I think I have some sort of emotional fever going on, because I keep going from hot to cold and back again. The cold is unbearable, and the hot is always accompanied by embarrassment, so I know people can see it in my face. My cheeks always betrayed me that way.
It hurts without you. I would say I didn’t realize how much of both my current and future life I had built around you, but I did. I just didn’t consider it much. I simply kept building, precisely layering each brick of my heart and our future.
You are my best friend. You tell me the same thing, and you told me when I left on Saturday that we would still be friends, still hang out, still do things. I know you said you would never lie to me, but it feels like it’s taking forever for you to want to make plans with me, even though it’s only been two days.
It was hard to leave your apartment that afternoon. If I hadn’t had to babysit, doubtless I would have stayed. If I hadn’t had to babysit, I probably would have tried to get you to say I could stay over that night, too. I am a firm believer in leaving the room when an argument is stupid and never leaving the room when a relationship might be dying.
It feels like more than the relationship is dying. It feels like I’m dying. Me being wrong about where this was going is making me question everything. I was so sure of where I stood with you. What else did I take for granted that I’m wrong about? What other relationships do I engage in that are ticking time bombs? Who else is going through the motions with me, afraid to hurt me by telling me they can’t be what I want them to be?
You said you needed time alone to get your shit together. I respect that, I really do. I know that I’m being incredibly selfish by so insistently wanting you back. I’m trying to tamp it down, I really am. I know you don’t believe me. I wish that I could help you get your shit together. You helped me so much, it only seems fair. But now I feel like I’m stuck on a jetty in high tide. I kept moving along, thinking we were in this together, and now you’re waving at me from the shore, miles and miles away.
I feel useless. Like I said, I was so sure of my use to you. What else am I wrong about? It is driving my crazy that you really do need to hang out less and talk less. You need time alone - who knew you had to actually be alone? I know, I’m just having trouble accepting it.
I keep lashing out at you when we hang out. I’m sorry. I know it’s petty and selfish, but part of me wants you to be in as much pain as I am, and I want to see it. I want to see your face reflect the way I feel.
You tell me that, if it makes me feel any better, I’ll move on. You even think I might move on quickly. You promise me that “when” this happens, it will hurt you. I tell you that hopefully there is that crucial bit of overlap, where I think I’ve moved on but I haven’t, and it hurts you and you tell me. If this moment exists, we will be together. I know that this is basically the plot of half the romantic comedies out there, but whatever. I make you pinky promise me that when your shit is together, you will tell me. I tell you I know that it won’t be for a long time, but you need to promise me anyway. I think that even if I have “moved on,” I will always carry a torch for you. I think that I won’t be able to get engaged or married without checking with you in some way first. If we are not together, I need to give you every possible chance to change that.
I am sad that I am eating dinner at home tomorrow. I should be eating with you, on your couch, watching mindless TV.
I am sad that I am going home after work tomorrow. I should be going to the beach, to read in a pavilion until you get out of work.
I texted you today about something that I forgot isn’t your problem right now. You were nice about it, but when I remembered that it’s probably not super appropriate to talk to a “friend” about scary body things, I was sad. I want it to be ok to talk to you about anything and everything.
Sometimes I wish I never met you.
“I’d like to buy you dinner and get to know you better,” you said.
“Aw, that’s so sweet,” I said.
What I should have said was no. I should have been a bit less optimistic about the outcome of talking to people who were “mutual likes.” I should have somehow known that this would happen.
That’s just me being angry. I would probably do the exact same thing, even if I knew the amount of pain I’d be in. Nobody is perfect, but your imperfection is beautiful to me. I want to keep it for myself and watch it grow and bloom every day for the rest of my life.
I miss you. I miss us.
Monday, August 29, 2016
Sunday, August 28, 2016
Long time, no post
Quick update: my boyfriend broke up with me almost two weeks ago. Our anniversary would have been September 7th. I'm pretty messed up about it. Maybe this will help. I feel confident enough posting this because he didn't read my blog when we were together, so I doubt he'll read it now.
This is the first Sunday we haven’t hung out, besides last Sunday when you were home. It’s weird. I miss you, but I know that if I tell you that you’ll only feel more guilty and it will drive you further away.
We’ve been broken up for 12 days. I don’t like it. I feel the tiniest bit better, but on the whole I still feel like shit. I didn’t see it coming at all.
I didn’t realize how much of my decisions were made with you in mind. Every time I think about pretty much anything I think about you, and it hurts. I used to wonder what you would think of a new shirt I bought, and now it just makes me sad because you don’t care. You might not even ever see it.
I felt safe with you. I felt like you could and would protect me from anything I couldn’t handle on my own. Now I feel vulnerable. When I drive to your apartment, I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t belong there anymore. The lump in my throat grows as I drive closer and closer, because now I feel like an intruder. I feel like one day I’ll come over and you’ll tell me to go away. I’m afraid that you’ll want to take away my parking lot key. I truly am afraid that you will never text me again, let alone ask me to hang out.
I desperately want there to be something I can do to make you as happy with me as I was with you. I hope that someday you’ll wake up and miss me, and I hope that if that happens, it isn’t too late.
I could see a life with you so clearly. Maybe that’s why I feel like I don’t belong in the space near your apartment. I used to think that eventually it would be my apartment (or that we’d have a different, bigger apartment in the same building). You were so nice and supportive. You told your friends and your family about me, you were going to let me meet your mom if she came out, you let me stay over all the time...and I don’t know why you say that you told me it made you uncomfortable that I left things at your house. You said that you didn’t want me to bring my board games over because you had enough “extra” stuff in your apartment already. Which is fair, and to be hurtful I almost told you that is was fine, because it would only be more stuff I had to pack when we broke up.
But I didn’t seriously think we would break up. Hell, when you first moved, you were going to try to get me my own key. I know it was mostly so you didn’t have to come down the elevator to get me every time, but a key is a big step in the seriousness of a relationship, and you were acting like it was a totally natural thing for me to have a key to your apartment. And you didn’t react negatively when I told you I’d go to Ohio with you if you wanted. You were using that as an excuse for why our relationship couldn’t be serious, and then you said, “Ok, good to know,” and from then on you seemed much more into the relationship.
I feel foolish for trusting you. I wish you had broken up with me earlier, because you’re right, I did spend the whole relationship developing more and more feelings for you. I just couldn’t fathom that you weren’t doing the same thing. I’m desperately, desperately hoping that once you feel better about yourself/your life, you’ll want to be with me again.
I’m sorry that I put pressure on you to be together in a permanent way. I tried so hard to be patient with you, because I honestly thought that you cared for me as much as I cared for you, but that you were having trouble coming to terms with it. I didn’t want to scare you away, or make you feel like I forced you into anything. I thought you just needed time and support, and I tried to give it to you. I know I got impatient, and it had nothing to do with you or the way you acted toward me. It had to do with the underlying anxiety I have about everything. I need constant reassurance from everyone that they actually do like me and aren’t for some reason just pretending to. I am terrified that everyone around me secretly hates me and is waiting for the perfect time to pull a humiliating, painful prank on me.
I kind of feel like that’s what happened here. I know you said you never lied to me, but I wish that these hesitations you had could have bubbled up to the surface one of the million times I asked for reassurance about the status of our relationship. You said you’d been thinking about this for a while, but you never told me you were having second thoughts. You always told me “yes” and “ok” when I asked if I could keep things at your apartment, if I could come over, if I could stay over, if I could shower. You should have said no. You should have had conversations with me about how I was overwhelming you. If you’re going to say that you tried and I didn’t listen, then you should have tried harder.
I had fully incorporated you into my life and my future plans because I thought I could. You made me feel like I could let my guard down and be who I really was. You made me so happy, and it makes me so profoundly sad to know that I didn’t do the same for you.
I also feel foolish for doing so many sexual things with you that I normally wouldn’t have done. I figured, given the way you are in every other area of your life, that you wouldn’t let me go out of my comfort zone unless it was going to pay off. Now I feel like you have dirt on me, and can come back and make fun of me for the things I did later. I feel like you can make fun of me to other girls you date/sleep with. I don’t like feeling vulnerable in this way.
You are my best friend, and I feel like I am going to lose you for good. Everything feels hollow and meaningless now. I unpaused my okCupid profile, because I know you want me to get back out there and forget about you, but I just don’t have the heart to use it. It’s too soon. I don’t know how long it’ll be too soon, but I thought you were going to be the only man I was with for the rest of my life, so it makes me feel sick to think about going out with someone else.
I am frustrated for many reasons, but one reason is that I keep thinking of things for us to do together. Then I remember that you don’t want to do things together. I don’t know how I could have been so sure that this was going well when clearly, I was wrong.
I guess I feel like I don’t know you, if I wasn’t in tune with you enough to see this coming. On the other hand, I still really want to have the you I know back. I’m still really all over the place with this whole thing, and I’m hoping that I get myself sorted out soon.
This is the first Sunday we haven’t hung out, besides last Sunday when you were home. It’s weird. I miss you, but I know that if I tell you that you’ll only feel more guilty and it will drive you further away.
We’ve been broken up for 12 days. I don’t like it. I feel the tiniest bit better, but on the whole I still feel like shit. I didn’t see it coming at all.
I didn’t realize how much of my decisions were made with you in mind. Every time I think about pretty much anything I think about you, and it hurts. I used to wonder what you would think of a new shirt I bought, and now it just makes me sad because you don’t care. You might not even ever see it.
I felt safe with you. I felt like you could and would protect me from anything I couldn’t handle on my own. Now I feel vulnerable. When I drive to your apartment, I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t belong there anymore. The lump in my throat grows as I drive closer and closer, because now I feel like an intruder. I feel like one day I’ll come over and you’ll tell me to go away. I’m afraid that you’ll want to take away my parking lot key. I truly am afraid that you will never text me again, let alone ask me to hang out.
I desperately want there to be something I can do to make you as happy with me as I was with you. I hope that someday you’ll wake up and miss me, and I hope that if that happens, it isn’t too late.
I could see a life with you so clearly. Maybe that’s why I feel like I don’t belong in the space near your apartment. I used to think that eventually it would be my apartment (or that we’d have a different, bigger apartment in the same building). You were so nice and supportive. You told your friends and your family about me, you were going to let me meet your mom if she came out, you let me stay over all the time...and I don’t know why you say that you told me it made you uncomfortable that I left things at your house. You said that you didn’t want me to bring my board games over because you had enough “extra” stuff in your apartment already. Which is fair, and to be hurtful I almost told you that is was fine, because it would only be more stuff I had to pack when we broke up.
But I didn’t seriously think we would break up. Hell, when you first moved, you were going to try to get me my own key. I know it was mostly so you didn’t have to come down the elevator to get me every time, but a key is a big step in the seriousness of a relationship, and you were acting like it was a totally natural thing for me to have a key to your apartment. And you didn’t react negatively when I told you I’d go to Ohio with you if you wanted. You were using that as an excuse for why our relationship couldn’t be serious, and then you said, “Ok, good to know,” and from then on you seemed much more into the relationship.
I feel foolish for trusting you. I wish you had broken up with me earlier, because you’re right, I did spend the whole relationship developing more and more feelings for you. I just couldn’t fathom that you weren’t doing the same thing. I’m desperately, desperately hoping that once you feel better about yourself/your life, you’ll want to be with me again.
I’m sorry that I put pressure on you to be together in a permanent way. I tried so hard to be patient with you, because I honestly thought that you cared for me as much as I cared for you, but that you were having trouble coming to terms with it. I didn’t want to scare you away, or make you feel like I forced you into anything. I thought you just needed time and support, and I tried to give it to you. I know I got impatient, and it had nothing to do with you or the way you acted toward me. It had to do with the underlying anxiety I have about everything. I need constant reassurance from everyone that they actually do like me and aren’t for some reason just pretending to. I am terrified that everyone around me secretly hates me and is waiting for the perfect time to pull a humiliating, painful prank on me.
I kind of feel like that’s what happened here. I know you said you never lied to me, but I wish that these hesitations you had could have bubbled up to the surface one of the million times I asked for reassurance about the status of our relationship. You said you’d been thinking about this for a while, but you never told me you were having second thoughts. You always told me “yes” and “ok” when I asked if I could keep things at your apartment, if I could come over, if I could stay over, if I could shower. You should have said no. You should have had conversations with me about how I was overwhelming you. If you’re going to say that you tried and I didn’t listen, then you should have tried harder.
I had fully incorporated you into my life and my future plans because I thought I could. You made me feel like I could let my guard down and be who I really was. You made me so happy, and it makes me so profoundly sad to know that I didn’t do the same for you.
I also feel foolish for doing so many sexual things with you that I normally wouldn’t have done. I figured, given the way you are in every other area of your life, that you wouldn’t let me go out of my comfort zone unless it was going to pay off. Now I feel like you have dirt on me, and can come back and make fun of me for the things I did later. I feel like you can make fun of me to other girls you date/sleep with. I don’t like feeling vulnerable in this way.
You are my best friend, and I feel like I am going to lose you for good. Everything feels hollow and meaningless now. I unpaused my okCupid profile, because I know you want me to get back out there and forget about you, but I just don’t have the heart to use it. It’s too soon. I don’t know how long it’ll be too soon, but I thought you were going to be the only man I was with for the rest of my life, so it makes me feel sick to think about going out with someone else.
I am frustrated for many reasons, but one reason is that I keep thinking of things for us to do together. Then I remember that you don’t want to do things together. I don’t know how I could have been so sure that this was going well when clearly, I was wrong.
I guess I feel like I don’t know you, if I wasn’t in tune with you enough to see this coming. On the other hand, I still really want to have the you I know back. I’m still really all over the place with this whole thing, and I’m hoping that I get myself sorted out soon.
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