Long time, no post

Quick update: my boyfriend broke up with me almost two weeks ago.  Our anniversary would have been September 7th.  I'm pretty messed up about it.  Maybe this will help.  I feel confident enough posting this because he didn't read my blog when we were together, so I doubt he'll read it now.

    This is the first Sunday we haven’t hung out, besides last Sunday when you were home.  It’s weird.  I miss you, but I know that if I tell you that you’ll only feel more guilty and it will drive you further away.
    We’ve been broken up for 12 days.  I don’t like it.  I feel the tiniest bit better, but on the whole I still feel like shit.  I didn’t see it coming at all.
    I didn’t realize how much of my decisions were made with you in mind.  Every time I think about pretty much anything I think about you, and it hurts.  I used to wonder what you would think of a new shirt I bought, and now it just makes me sad because you don’t care.  You might not even ever see it.
    I felt safe with you.  I felt like you could and would protect me from anything I couldn’t handle on my own.  Now I feel vulnerable.  When I drive to your apartment, I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t belong there anymore.  The lump in my throat grows as I drive closer and closer, because now I feel like an intruder.  I feel like one day I’ll come over and you’ll tell me to go away.  I’m afraid that you’ll want to take away my parking lot key.  I truly am afraid that you will never text me again, let alone ask me to hang out.
    I desperately want there to be something I can do to make you as happy with me as I was with you.  I hope that someday you’ll wake up and miss me, and I hope that if that happens, it isn’t too late.
    I could see a life with you so clearly.  Maybe that’s why I feel like I don’t belong in the space near your apartment.  I used to think that eventually it would be my apartment (or that we’d have a different, bigger apartment in the same building).  You were so nice and supportive.  You told your friends and your family about me, you were going to let me meet your mom if she came out, you let me stay over all the time...and I don’t know why you say that you told me it made you uncomfortable that I left things at your house.  You said that you didn’t want me to bring my board games over because you had enough “extra” stuff in your apartment already.  Which is fair, and to be hurtful I almost told you that is was fine, because it would only be more stuff I had to pack when we broke up.
    But I didn’t seriously think we would break up.  Hell, when you first moved, you were going to try to get me my own key.  I know it was mostly so you didn’t have to come down the elevator to get me every time, but a key is a big step in the seriousness of a relationship, and you were acting like it was a totally natural thing for me to have a key to your apartment.  And you didn’t react negatively when I told you I’d go to Ohio with you if you wanted.  You were using that as an excuse for why our relationship couldn’t be serious, and then you said, “Ok, good to know,” and from then on you seemed much more into the relationship.
    I feel foolish for trusting you.  I wish you had broken up with me earlier, because you’re right, I did spend the whole relationship developing more and more feelings for you.  I just couldn’t fathom that you weren’t doing the same thing.  I’m desperately, desperately hoping that once you feel better about yourself/your life, you’ll want to be with me again.
    I’m sorry that I put pressure on you to be together in a permanent way.  I tried so hard to be patient with you, because I honestly thought that you cared for me as much as I cared for you, but that you were having trouble coming to terms with it.  I didn’t want to scare you away, or make you feel like I forced you into anything.  I thought you just needed time and support, and I tried to give it to you.  I know I got impatient, and it had nothing to do with you or the way you acted toward me.  It had to do with the underlying anxiety I have about everything.  I need constant reassurance from everyone that they actually do like me and aren’t for some reason just pretending to.  I am terrified that everyone around me secretly hates me and is waiting for the perfect time to pull a humiliating, painful prank on me.
    I kind of feel like that’s what happened here.  I know you said you never lied to me, but I wish that these hesitations you had could have bubbled up to the surface one of the million times I asked for reassurance about the status of our relationship.  You said you’d been thinking about this for a while, but you never told me you were having second thoughts.  You always told me “yes” and “ok” when I asked if I could keep things at your apartment, if I could come over, if I could stay over, if I could shower.  You should have said no.  You should have had conversations with me about how I was overwhelming you.  If you’re going to say that you tried and I didn’t listen, then you should have tried harder.
    I had fully incorporated you into my life and my future plans because I thought I could.  You made me feel like I could let my guard down and be who I really was.  You made me so happy, and it makes me so profoundly sad to know that I didn’t do the same for you.
    I also feel foolish for doing so many sexual things with you that I normally wouldn’t have done.  I figured, given the way you are in every other area of your life, that you wouldn’t let me go out of my comfort zone unless it was going to pay off.  Now I feel like you have dirt on me, and can come back and make fun of me for the things I did later.  I feel like you can make fun of me to other girls you date/sleep with.  I don’t like feeling vulnerable in this way.
    You are my best friend, and I feel like I am going to lose you for good.  Everything feels hollow and meaningless now.  I unpaused my okCupid profile, because I know you want me to get back out there and forget about you, but I just don’t have the heart to use it.  It’s too soon.  I don’t know how long it’ll be too soon, but I thought you were going to be the only man I was with for the rest of my life, so it makes me feel sick to think about going out with someone else.
    I am frustrated for many reasons, but one reason is that I keep thinking of things for us to do together.  Then I remember that you don’t want to do things together.  I don’t know how I could have been so sure that this was going well when clearly, I was wrong.
    I guess I feel like I don’t know you, if I wasn’t in tune with you enough to see this coming.  On the other hand, I still really want to have the you I know back.  I’m still really all over the place with this whole thing, and I’m hoping that I get myself sorted out soon.