Anxiety Time

I definitely took home the tiny Corona bottle and the yellow holder thingy.

    I am officially at the point where my feelings are super easily hurt.  Part of it is just a right now thing, because I can’t stop myself from going on The Drummer’s profile every so often, and it’s ridiculous, but it kind of hurts that he’s still alive.  I mean, my memory of him would be better if he just...wasn’t around.  In any capacity.  I’m kind of disgusted that he’s so easily reachable, geographically.  I’m disgusted with him for treating me the way he did, and I’m disgusted with myself for trusting him.
    The guy who wanted to be into me but just wasn’t is back on Ok Cupid, too.  I only noticed because he changed his profile picture.  I don’t know why my feelings are hurt, because I don’t want to be with either of them.
    Or, I don’t know, maybe I do.  I kind of see them being back on there/not being into me as confirmation that I’m not good enough in some way.  If I’m being honest, I see it as confirmation that I’m not good enough in more than one way.  My mom is fond of saying (when I’m sad about things like this) that everyone only has one successful romantic relationship, but after so many terribly failed attempts, I feel like it’s got to be me.  There’s got to be something fundamentally wrong with me, and I’ve got a pretty long list of what that thing could be, but I don’t have it narrowed down to one.  That means I can’t focus on it and change it, but I’m also afraid that everything I come up with is a “wrong” thing, and that’s a lot of stuff to fix.
    I’ve hung out with that guy two more times in the last week, and we’re hanging out again on Thursday.  When he walks me to my car, I wonder how long it’ll be before my memory of his walkway makes me cry instead of smile.  How long before I’ll get painful tiny flashbacks of how happy he looks to see me, when he no longer wants anything to do with me?  How long before he realizes that my weird, squishy new “skinny” body isn’t attractive at all?  Basically, how long before I unwittingly fuck this up?
    I’m trying really hard not to like him, and I’m failing miserably.  He’s told me a few times that I can stay over if I want, and I say no.  It’s complicated.  My OCD/introvert self doesn’t want to have to do my morning routine in a weird place.  The little girl in me is afraid my mother will try to tell me I can’t sleep at a boy’s house.  The scared me doesn’t want to stay over until we’re in a relationship.  The scared me wants to be in a relationship with him, and the more I drop hints and he doesn’t get them, the more scared I get.  The more he talks about how he thinks he wants to move back home eventually (which I totally get, because I would want to do the same thing), the more my heart breaks a little, because I don’t want him to leave.  In trying not to like him, I ended up super liking him.  I would stay over if I had a promise that I wasn’t just some girl he was sleeping with because she kept coming over.
    I feel so bad when we get food and he pays for me.  I’ve had it drilled into me since I was 19 that I’m not worth someone’s money, and it’s weird and humiliating and makes me wonder what the catch is when someone doesn’t mind paying for my food.  It makes me want to cry, because my gut reaction is that he’s wasting his money.  Or that he’s going to start seeing me as the girl who’s only along for the ride because there’s free food.  I did cry when Eddie and I went out after I graduated and he paid for me.  I did it while he was in the bathroom, and I was able to contain it, but I feel so guilty when people pay for my food.
    I’m too scared to ask him if he’s talking to any other girls, because I don’t want to know if the answer is yes, and I’m not at all confident that the answer will be no.  I know I’m not good enough to occupy someone’s full attention, and it bums me out.
    In more uplifting news, my friend who’s moving to Spain had a little get-together thingy at the new Dave and Buster’s in our town on Saturday.  I picked up my fellow redheaded co-worker, and we both had a ton of fun!  We got our drink on, which was cool, since usually I can taste the alcohol in “fun” drinks, and it totally ruins it for me.  We both got a watermelon margarita, then she got an iced tea thing and I got an awesome drink called a Candy Shop, and then she got a blueberry lemonade (which she let me finish), and I got this thing called a Coronarita, which is a margarita with a tiny Corona upside down in it.  That guy told me about them (I’ll figure out a nickname for him soon, I promise), and when I saw a picture of it in the drink menu I was like YES.
    I’d (obviously) never been to Dave and Buster’s before, and I can’t wait to go again.  I love things like amusement parks, where you can feel like a kid even if you’re an adult, and this was like that, too.  I’m glad it’s so close to my house, but it could also end up being really bad for my wallet.